New text, same problem. Realization.

I’ll tell you something that changed me. It’s only small, I’m sorry for that. It’s not profound and when you hear it you will say “Is that all it is? I knew that, stupid” – but I’m stuck with the problem of being me and I cannot choose what does and doesn’t resonate with me, actually it’s more than that; more than just something ‘resonating’. It’s something that chills me to my very bones this minute. I’ve lived my whole life along it’s lines. “What do you mean along its lines?”. I don’t know it feels like the right thing to type. If something speaks to you it takes shape. These words took shape for me, they happened to be on one side of the street and I was on the other, we were walking in the same direction. I know this sounds silly and I know this is not written well, however this is the only way I know how to write and If I don’t write it like this nothing makes sense to me.

In my auto-didactic adventures I read the book ‘On Suicide’ by Emilie Durkheim. I loved it as much as a man of my limited understanding on things can love such a book, and you’ll never guess what happened? Only a few pages in to the editor’s notes, THE EDITOR’S NOTES, I got stuck! Something froze me. In the introduction topic of Anomic Suicide, I came across a line where he was describing how this particular type of suicide occurs. Here it is

Where the individual is upset so that his horizon is broadened more than he can endure

Isn’t this deadly? Isn’t this just way too close to all our hearts, to our very essence of being.  That moment between sleeping and waking – this waits on me. These sixteen words

Oh man! Oh man! This tight rope. How dare they do this to us.  You say get a hold of yourself but there is nothing to hold on to, everything is based around a farce, where’s the solidity in all this? This ambition, this falsifying of character? For what purpose? To walk your tight rope until the very end? And then what? You’re telling me spirituality is a big steaming shit heap, no heaven, and don’t you dare tell me to meditate on it because we are not wired to be from the East. It’s a pessimistic, submissive religion that runs against the grain, contradicts all the other bullshit we’re fed coming up by every authoritarian figure around us. Everything and body around you are pushing you across this abyss whilst you try not to look down. Fuck it. I looked down. I looked down because I would rather feel sick and wasted, paper thin and hoarse of throat than spend another second pretending to care and have empathy towards what’s going on around me.
The broadened horizon.

The individual’s needs and their satisfaction have been regulated by society; the common beliefs and practices he has learned make him the embodiment of what Durkheim calls the collective conscience. When this regulation of the individual is upset so that his horizon is broadened beyond what he can endure, or contrariwise contracted unduly, conditions for anomic suicide tend toward a maximum.

George Simpson – editor’s introduction xv Durkheim Suicide